Shannon's Adventures in Hippyland #2

Yesterday afternoon and last night were brutal.

Spend 1.5 hours in hippyland. ✔
Get hit with brick wall of fatigue halfway home. ✔
Carry groceries inside and put them away by yourself because hubby is at ‘House Warehouse’. ✔
Realize all countertops in the kitchen need to be cleaned off before dinner can be cooked. ✔
Get hubby to agree to leftovers for dinner. ✔
Proceed with juicing plan. ✔
Ask for help with juicing when you get tired. ✔
Get out new juice recipe for hubby to try. ✔

And this is where the fun started.

First up on the menu was a new juice I thought hubby would enjoy.  He was definitely not fond of my green juice.

It was time to set up the juicer. Hubby had to remind me on a couple of particulars but for the most part I was good.

It was then time to prepare the veggies and fruits.  As usual hubby was more comfortable with me washing the veggies and him cutting them. For some reason he doesn’t like me handling sharp instruments.

I had one last thing to do at the sink and then I was done with the prep work. But when I turned around hubby was standing in front of the juicer.

::Could he truly be curious about the process????::

I did not want to mess with the delicate balance of possibilities. I was hopeful but cautious. Move too fast and the deer runs into the forest flipping you the middle finger of a white tail. I slowly slid next to hubby in front of the veggie bowl and smiled.

“So, what is with the high and low speed?”, he asked.

::YES! He’s showing interest! He might be willing to enter operations!  Someone get that man a work apron and visor! AND A TITLE! For goodness sake slap a title on that man! Titles keep people around!::

I replied, “The hard veggies and fruits like carrots and apples get juiced on high speed. Soft veggies and fruit, like peeled lemons, get juiced on low. Last time I did the high speed first and then the low speed items.”

“Okay.”

And then he flipped the switch.
:: Dramatic Sound – Think Law and Order ::

“DOINK – DOINK”

He picked up a carrot piece and dropped it down the chute. It took a little off it but it mostly just bounced around in the chute. He used the plunger and pushed it into the shredder area.

Have you ever seen a blood spray on a horror movie? Think of what that looked like but with moist tiny bits of flesh as well as blood. And you don’t see it spraying away from you against a wall, as they usually show it. You see it spraying towards you against the plastic of the machine enclosure.

And the oddest thing happened...two words.

Hubby    
Giggled

Suddenly our roles reversed. It became my job to separate the high speed from the low speed items to make it easier for him. Hubby was soon making horrific torture sounds and slow death sounds for the veggies. He was much more creative than I was my first time. He began to put things in while laughing and asking me, “Hey honey, what does this look like?”

He seemed to have fun with killing the veggies so I asked if he would help me use up a lot of the veggies I had for my preferred juice. He agreed and we made a huge batch of my green juice. He continued the death sounds for the veggies. He also came up with new ways to torture them before tossing them into the maelstrom.

I began to worry just a bit. I think I will start sleeping with a sharpened carrot under my pillow.

Once the juicing was finished we had dinner and rested. We were both pretty whooped after all this activity following busy work days.

Then off to bed and once morning arrived I made a plant-friendly breakfast. Frozen whole grains with frozen berries and a few cherries were heated and mixed. They were topped with honey and cinnamon and then walnuts. Hubby said he actually liked it. Rah! Rah! for plant-friendly recipes working! I did not kill my hubby! Woohooo!

Shannon's Adventures in Hippyland #2

Yesterday afternoon and last night were brutal.

Spend 1.5 hours in hippyland. ✔
Get hit with brick wall of fatigue halfway home. ✔
Carry groceries inside and put them away by yourself because hubby is at ‘House Warehouse’. ✔
Realize all countertops in the kitchen need to be cleaned off before dinner can be cooked. ✔
Get hubby to agree to leftovers for dinner. ✔
Proceed with juicing plan. ✔
Ask for help with juicing when you get tired. ✔
Get out new juice recipe for hubby to try. ✔

And this is where the fun started.

First up on the menu was a new juice I thought hubby would enjoy.  He was definitely not fond of my green juice.

It was time to set up the juicer. Hubby had to remind me on a couple of particulars but for the most part I was good.

It was then time to prepare the veggies and fruits.  As usual hubby was more comfortable with me washing the veggies and him cutting them. For some reason he doesn’t like me handling sharp instruments.

I had one last thing to do at the sink and then I was done with the prep work. But when I turned around hubby was standing in front of the juicer.

::Could he truly be curious about the process????::

I did not want to mess with the delicate balance of possibilities. I was hopeful but cautious. Move too fast and the deer runs into the forest flipping you the middle finger of a white tail. I slowly slid next to hubby in front of the veggie bowl and smiled.

“So, what is with the high and low speed?”, he asked.

::YES! He’s showing interest! He might be willing to enter operations!  Someone get that man a work apron and visor! AND A TITLE! For goodness sake slap a title on that man! Titles keep people around!::

I replied, “The hard veggies and fruits like carrots and apples get juiced on high speed. Soft veggies and fruit, like peeled lemons, get juiced on low. Last time I did the high speed first and then the low speed items.”

“Okay.”

And then he flipped the switch.
:: Dramatic Sound – Think Law and Order ::

“DOINK – DOINK”

He picked up a carrot piece and dropped it down the chute. It took a little off it but it mostly just bounced around in the chute. He used the plunger and pushed it into the shredder area.

Have you ever seen a blood spray on a horror movie? Think of what that looked like but with moist tiny bits of flesh as well as blood. And you don’t see it spraying away from you against a wall, as they usually show it. You see it spraying towards you against the plastic of the machine enclosure.

And the oddest thing happened...two words.

Hubby    
Giggled

Suddenly our roles reversed. It became my job to separate the high speed from the low speed items to make it easier for him. Hubby was soon making horrific torture sounds and slow death sounds for the veggies. He was much more creative than I was my first time. He began to put things in while laughing and asking me, “Hey honey, what does this look like?”

He seemed to have fun with killing the veggies so I asked if he would help me use up a lot of the veggies I had for my preferred juice. He agreed and we made a huge batch of my green juice. He continued the death sounds for the veggies. He also came up with new ways to torture them before tossing them into the maelstrom.

I began to worry just a bit. I think I will start sleeping with a sharpened carrot under my pillow.

Once the juicing was finished we had dinner and rested. We were both pretty whooped after all this activity following busy work days.

Then off to bed and once morning arrived I made a plant-friendly breakfast. Frozen whole grains with frozen berries and a few cherries were heated and mixed. They were topped with honey and cinnamon and then walnuts. Hubby said he actually liked it. Rah! Rah! for plant-friendly recipes working! I did not kill my hubby! Woohooo!

Shannon’s Adventures in Hippyland #1

If any terms and/or nicknames I use offend you, I apologize.  I write for humor value and to share my experiences with others.  I hope you can see and enjoy the humor without getting all wrapped up in perceived offense.

Recently, I have been watching some documentaries.  They have been about various subjects but most centered on the food industry and/or changing your eating style.  Saying that the films scared the wheat grass out of me would be an understatement.

Due to what I have learned, I have decided to make a lifestyle change regarding my diet.  I am sure this will be a long process.  I am sure it will be achieved with baby steps and the occasional leap.  The past few days have been leaps.

One of these leaps was venturing into the ‘Wholy Land’ of Hippyland.  I was pretty sure I would be met with pitchforks and torches.  I figured the natives would scream sayings like, “Egg Slayer!”, “Chicken Choker” (that saying was pulled due to popular misconception) and “Meat lovers should be left at the curb for recycling pick up!”  That last saying really never made it out of beta testing and failed several focus groups.

Strangely enough no one seemed to notice the obvious non-hippy’s entrance into Hippyland.  Could this place be open to all?  Most people even said hello! Now I know I’m in Hippyland!  When I stood in the produce section looking clueless people asked if I needed assistance.  I’m not talking about the employees, though they asked as well.  Regular people asked me if they could be of help!

Once I was done in the produce section I wandered the store looking for a couple of items on my list. As I perused the aisles I saw her.  She was perfect.  She was so grand and regal.  I dubbed her the Queen Hippy.  She floated around with the assurance of one who has created a close friendship with the store.  She had one baby strapped to her front and another snuggled to her back.  Both were sound asleep.  The bustle of the store was obviously familiar to them.

Once I reached the checkout lane I was a bit intimidated to find that I was directly behind Her Majesty.  Would my purchases be mocked?  I was still new to this attempt at healthy eating.  Would the Royal Blessing be bestowed upon my cart?  I just kept my focus on the conveyor a hoped she would not notice me.  She turned back to my purchases.

“Oh, that looks good”, she said.

She was speaking of my cereal choice.  I told her where I had read about it.

YES!  I had the Royal Blessing!  I felt much more confident having survived my first trip to Hippyland.  And that I received a compliment on a purchase?  Well, that was just soy-based icing on the gluten-free no animal product cake.

Bike Decals

5 minutes before the end of shift.  Yes, 5 minutes before freedom.  Isn't that when all the crazies seem to call?

  

Okay, this girl didn't really qualify for 'crazy' so much as owner of the no common sense pool.  She thought she needed help.  No really, she was sure we could help her.  

D = Dispatch
C = Caller

D - "Police department, this is Shannon.  How may I help you?"
C - "Yeah, I cannot find my bike.  I chained it here and I cannot find my bike."
D - "Okay, where are you?"
C - "I'm outside of the Chai Dorms."
D - "Okay, when was the last time you saw your bike?"
C - "I just chained it up a couple of hours ago.  I know it has to be here somewhere."
D - "You don't think your bike was stolen?"
C - "No.  I know it's here somewhere.  I just cannot find it."
D - "So, you do not wish to file a report for a stolen bicycle?"
C - "No!  I know it is here!  I just cannot find it!  I need help finding it!"
D - "Ma'am, we don't send people out to help you search bike racks for your bicycle."
C - "I put a decal on my bike and registered it with parking services!  Why the hell did I do that if it won't help me find my bike!?"
D - "The decals on the bikes are not locators, ma'am."
C - "Well, what am I supposed to do?"
D - "We would suggest you keep looking in the bike racks around that building to see if your bike is there.  If you do not find it, give us a call back and we will send someone out to take a stolen bike report."
C - "I don't know how many bike racks are around the building!  Can you at least tell me that?"
D - "We don't have that information, ma'am.  We would suggest you walk all the way around the building and check each bike rack you come to.  Stop when you recognize somewhere you have already been."
C - "So, the decal is useless?!"
D - "No, if it turns out the bike is stolen the decal helps identify it as yours.  If your bike were to be pawned, it is a way for it to be traced back to you."
C - "But you cannot locate my bike with the decal?"
D - "No ma'am.  As I said, the decals are not locating devices."
C - "Well, thanks for nothing then!"

PSA for the day:

1) If you have an alarm, it is good to test your alarm

2) If you have a panic alarm, it is very good to test your panic alarm

3) If you are a place of commerce, it is very very good to test your robbery alarm

4) If you are a place that deals pretty much ONLY with money (read as; bank), it is very VERY good to test your robbery alarm

5) If you are a bank, it is very VERY good to teach your tellers how to act as one unit and recognize danger and press their alarms simultaneously

6) If you are a bank and your tellers make you proud by acting as one unit, it is good to know the police will recognize a unified effort as a more serious alarm and less likely to be an accidental bump on the alarm

More than any of the previous good things...

7) If you are a bank and your tellers act as one unit while practicing hitting their robbery/hold-up buttons, notify the police department that you will be testing your robbery/hold-up buttons PRIOR to conducting aforementioned drill!

It would seem like common sense, yes?  Let's just say that common sense is lacking sometimes.

New mantra:

'Yea, though I walk through the valley of the epitome of morons, I will step ever lightly: for they are many and they are breeding.'

Welcome to my day.

Today's PSA


To friends, family and anyone else...this is your PSA for the day:

Teach your family members and *especially* your children some common sense.

More than once I have heard stories in dispatch of people drowning in their car while on the phone with 911 operators.

911 operators are trained to ask certain questions first and it can delay you getting to safety. Yes, you should answer questions asked by a 911 operator but not at the expense of your own life.

Here's the scenario -

* You accidentally drive your vehicle into a ditch, pond, lake, river...etc
* Water is coming into your vehicle
* You dial 911 on your cell phone
* The 911 operator asks your location
* You proceed to describe your location (let's assume you don't know an exact location due to being on a highway or something like that)
* The dispatcher continues to question you to try to get more information to find you and tells you not to disconnect from the call
* You stay in your seat and stay belted because you are told to not disconnect or go anywhere

STOP RIGHT THERE!

You are increasing your chances of drowning! Use your brain! There IS a point when you do NOT listen to the operator and tell them you have to exit the vehicle due to water coming in. Maybe the dispatcher did not know or did not hear you say you were in a lake, river, creek, pond...etc. GET OUT OF THE FREAKING VEHICLE! Ultimately, YOU are responsible for your own safety!

I HIGHLY recommend buying a multi-tool for your car. It should be at least a knife (folding knife to avoid accidents), glass breaker and seat-belt cutter and preferably have a clip on the back so you can firmly clip it somewhere in your vehicle for easy access and somewhere it won’t go flying if you have an accident. Mine is clipped to a shelf under my steering wheel. It takes some muscle to unclip so it is doubtful anything but a major disaster will shake it loose…and even then it is a folding knife so it is not going to slice anyone if it does come loose. I have attached a picture of one of these tools so you can see what I am talking about.

The moral of this posting is that you need to prepare now for the slim possibilities that can happen in your vehicle. YOU are responsible for what happens once you turn the key. USE YOUR COMMON SENSE!

And for heaven’s sake if you are in a car filling with water, undo your seat belt and get out! This is priority! If your phone gets wet and becomes unusable you can rest assured some nosy nelly is going to stop to see the commotion and will likely have a cell phone you can use.

And when THAT happens remember to use your common sense on who you talk to and allow to give you a ride, if that is needed! *Take the knife with you when you exit the car*! There are predators who will take advantage of your vulnerability on the side of the road. Stay alert to all possible outcomes.

I know all this sounds silly but I would not feel it was necesssary to post this, if people had not died from making these mistakes.



It's electric, Boogie woogie, woogie


Our college has a parking department with patrollers that roam the campus citing those that break the rules but that also help disabled vehicles and their owners.

They will:
- drive owners to a local gas station to get gas, if they run out.
- offer battery jumps if they leave their lights on while they are in class
- drive people around when they lose their cars (happens ALL the time)
- come open your car door if you lock your keys in the car.

But one thing our parking people cannot do is open the car doors of those with electric lock/window systems.  It is simply a policy the university has.

It almost never fails that we have to explain what an electric lock/window system is to those that call.  Really people? You don’t know what an electric lock/window system is? So the conversation goes something like this:

D = Dispatch
C = Caller

D – “Police department, this is Shannon how may I help you?”
C – “Ummm…yeah…ummm, I like locked my keys in my car. Could someone like come open my car for me?”
D – “Do you have power locks?”
C – “Power locks?”
D – “Yes, power locks and windows.”
C – “Like what’s that?”
D - ::sigh:: “Can you push one button to lock and unlock all your doors?”
C – “No.”

Now there aren’t many cars on the road these days where people don’t choose power systems so I always dig a little further.

D – “Do you have a key fob on your key chain?”
C – “Like what’s that?”
D – “Is there something on your key chain that makes your car go ‘beep beep’ when you push it and your doors unlock?”
C – “Oh yeaahhhhh… Now I see what you mean!”
D – “Well, that is a power lock system. Our patrollers cannot open vehicles with power systems. The tools they use will damage cars with those systems. You will have to contact a roadside service or a locksmith.”
C – “They can’t help me why?”
D – “Because you have power locks and windows.”
C – “Well, what if my car is already off? Then there’s no power!”

::FACEPALM:: ::DOUBLE SIGH:: ::QWERTY:: *

*This is a dispatch move not quite worthy of Olympic status but maybe someday it will be recognized on a national level. I am sure the first two are self-explanatory but the last is accomplished by the imprint of the keyboard on the forehead after multiple head bangs onto the keyboard.  Different letter combinations may be achieved by changing your location on your keyboard.  Recently, I have switched to my number pad in an attempt to get a SKU number appearance.

As I am sure you have seen in movies and on television shows, emergency response departments have strange senses of humor.  We also love practical jokes.  No one and nothing is safe.

I almost pulled one over on one of my Community Service Officers yesterday. I was able to stay serious all the way until the end when she called my bluff. She ultimately did not fall for it but she did have to stop and think for a second...lol

D = Dispatcher C = Community Service Officer

D - "Police department this is Shannon. May I help you?"
C - "Hi Shannon. We have a bird stuck in an office in the bookstore. Would you send an officer to come get it out?"
D - "Sure thing. Which office is it in?"
C - "It's an office all the way in the back. Have the officer check in at the information desk and I will meet them there."
D - "Okay. How big is the bird?"
C - "It's a really small bird."
D - "Do you know what kind of bird it is?"
C - "No. It's just really small and fast."
D - "What color is the bird?"
C - "It's brown."
D - "Are there any other colors on it?"
C - "Well, it's dark brown and light brown."
D - "Do you see any black on it?"
C - "Uh, no."
D - "Okay, you're sure there aren't any other colors on it?"
C - "I don't think so."
D - "So, you don't see any red feathers?"
C - "No. I didn't see any red."
D - "You're sure. If you see red feathers, you have to get people away from the bird."
C - "I didn't see any red feathers."
D - "You know you can tell by the color of the plumage if a bird is venomous, right?"

::long pause::

::nervous laughter:: 

C - "NUH-UH!" 

At that point the jig was up. We both had a good laugh and I felt accomplished for the day.

Police work is serious business people! (but we do have our fun moments)     ;-)

I work in a police department on a college campus.  This provides much entertainment.  

This is a recent winner for humor value.

D = Dispatcher C = Caller

D - "Police department this is Shannon may I help you?"
C - "Yes, I am looking for my bike. I left it on a shuttle yesterday."
D - "What kind of bike is it?"
C - "A blue and silver one."
D - "Does your bike have a brand name?"
C - "I can't remember what brand my bike is."
D - "What type of bike is it? Does it have a lot of gears?"
C - "It's a normal bike with a regular amount of gears."
D - "So, all you know about your bike is that it is blue and silver."
C - "Yes."
D - "Okay, let me check our lost and found book."

I put the student on hold and checked the book with not much hope.

D - "We have not had any bikes turned in since before yesterday."
C - "Well, could you check last night?"


I heaved a heavy sigh as I realized I was going to have to explain A LOT to this person.  I reminded myself that college admittance does not guarantee basic comprehension.

D - "We haven't had any bikes turned in since before yesterday."
C - "Well, does that mean there weren't any turned in last night?"

As my head hit the table in frustration I realized my chances of having a break through with THIS Einstein were slim.

D - "Yesterday would be BEFORE last night, sir."
C - "Oh well, could you check yesterday?"
D - "As I said we have not had any bikes turned in since BEFORE yesterday."
C - "So, my bike can't be there?"
D - "Not unless it was able to sneak in here when we weren't looking."
C - "Could I come check the impound?"
D - "Sure you can sir. And if you find that bike, make sure you reprimand it properly for sneaking onto police property without proper authorization or filing the correct paperwork."
C - "Huh?"
D - "Have a nice day sir. We are here 24 hours a day whenever you want to look for your bike."
D - "Yeah uh, thanks."

So hubby and I recently had "a moment" where our opinions did not agree.

The moment lasted 3.5 days.      ;-)

We have been taking ballroom dancing lessons for over a year.  Every two weeks there is a social dance at our studio where the students can come practice what they learned that week and just have fun in general.  I look forward to this dance very much.

The last dance hubby canceled at the last minute because he was "tired".  I was not happy.  I dealt with it and decided to go by myself.  I had a decent time but not as much fun as I usually have with him, of course.

This last Friday hubby again waited until the last minute to mention that he was tired.  As his wife, I felt it was my duty to "give him an out".  He leaped on it like a lion does the slowest gazelle in the herd.  I was less than thrilled.

Sometimes hubby does not seem to understand the "give and take" theory.  IMHO, it is part of a spouse's job to offer "an out" occasionally.  But it is the other spouse's job to not always take the out when it is up against something that is important to the other one.


Recipe for marital discord :

Cancel on social dance at the last minute with no warning  - ✔ (check)
Sit on the couch and play your video game after canceling  - ✔
Ensure that wife has to hang up brand new outfit bought for the occasion and not wear it  - ✔
Make sure the wife also had hair done for the dance  - ✔
Don't comment on hair or general appearance efforts  - ✔
Do all this on what was the Valentine's Day dance  - ✔
Respond to wife's irritation with silent treatment towards the wife and apathy for the situation  - ✔
Stop doing nice things (like saying 'bless you' to a sneeze) in response to wife's return silent treatment  - ✔

1) Mix all ingredients together and let marinate for 3.5 days.

2) Decide to confront the situation only once you feel you are safe.

3) Decide you are safe while driving the car with wife as passenger (don't question male logic).

4) Make sure this is directly after said wife wiped to floor with you at the weekly weigh in.  Therefore, wife already has grounds to feel like she is in a good place to put a serious whooping in your future since there is already one in your immediate past.

5) Turn to wife and ask her, "So do you want to continue like this or would you like to talk?"

To have this recipe turn out with better than average possibility of healthy results...

6) Run like the hounds of hades are after you.

Hubby opted for:

6) Stare at wife and wait for response.

I proceeded to unload my reasons for irritation to him.  I let him know that his responses to my irritation were not appreciated and would not be welcomed in the future (Okay, so I used different words and there was quite a bit more heat).

Hubby tried to defend himself and started to use sarcasm in his apologies ("okay okay, so I am SORRY I was tired ). The more he used sarcasm and seemed to refuse to see any fault on his part the quieter I got in my responses (hint: when a female gets quieter during a disagreement....RUN...she is approaching maximum capacity for crap).  I finally told him that I did not agree to discuss this so that we could fight about it.  He wanted to know what was wrong and what my reasons were and I told him.  End of discussion.

I think hubby realized that there was no "winning" this conversation.  Winning was not the point.  It was a matter of, "Here is how I feel.  You need to acknowledge these feelings and decide how you want these situations to turn out in the future".  (and apologizing profusely for the current infraction would not hurt your chances of survival)

In general hubby is a very sensitive guy.  I am proud of that part of him.  He just momentarily lost touch with that side of himself in the interest of his own wishes.  It happens to us all.  Hubby is allowed to mess up.  He's just not allowed to mess up and not care.  And he's most certainly not allowed to mess up and not eventually do something to clean up the mess.  (Here's your pooper scooper honey)

Hubby has since been released from the doghouse and is back inside.  What he may not realize is that I am keeping a bag of kibble in the garage just in case.  You never know when you might need follow up lessons.

Well, holy crap.  A friend recommended that I start a blog because she seems to think my writing is entertaining (I haven't had her drug tested yet as that might be the source of her humor...but okay).  And what do you know?  I had already started a blog a few years ago!  Well, that just makes things easier.

Not that anyone was paying attention to the danged thing...but if anyone out there in cyberspace missed me, I apologize for my absence.  With my new job and other things I have lots to write about.  I hope to spend more time here.  We'll see.     ;-)