I've been 'Apple-ized'

So, I have been assimilated.  ____ will be very happy to know that I have gone over to the dark side.  No more than a month ago, I was a Microsoft/Samsung/Nook user.

Well, I came to DETEST Windows (mainly due to the involuntary updates/yes, they alert you but you cannot see the alert when you are playing WoW).  So, I am happily gaming when my computer suddenly shuts down.  NOT cool!

Hubby mentioned the Apple computers don't do that (he got a MacBook a few months ago).  I said I was willing to take a look.  We entered the Apple Store and ended up walking out with a MacBook Pro 13".  Now maybe 3.5 weeks later, hubby mentioned getting an IPhone.  He wanted me to get one first because if I didn't like it, I could give it to him.  I got an IPhone 6S.  I loved it.

Hubby did not love our trip to Apple as much as I did.  I got distracted from the phone display and wandered over to the IPad display.  I had fun playing with the draw feature of the IPad.  A wonderful salesperson showed me tricks with the IPad and let me know what type would work for what I wanted to do with it.

I walked out of the store with an IPhone 6s and an IPad Pro 9.7".  I went home with my toys and had fun.  I would eventually need a keyboard for the IPad 9.7.  They did not have any of the kind that I liked in the store.  It's a jacket for the IPad that protects the back and also the front. One side holds the IPad in place and the other side is the keyboard.  The keyboard they had in the store was for the 12" model.

Today we went back to Apple for the class, "IPhone basics".  While there we looked for a keyboard that would work but they did not have any that I liked.  Hubby said we could look online.

I have gone completely Apple.  I am the proud owner of a MacBook Pro 15", an IPhone 6S and an IPad 12" (WITH a keyboard).

Note that the products that I now own are NOT the same models mentioned in my post (except for the IPhone 6S).  THAT is a whole *different* story (and one of the main reasons my hubby has gray hair).

There's something seriously wrong with me and my brain

By now all of you should have figured out that I have an odd and dark sense of humor. I have accepted the fact that I cannot stop the odd thoughts that spring into my mind. This is but one example of the crazy stuff that I come up with when I am left unsupervised.

I had a speaking event last night. It was held at a nice restaurant. Everything went quite well. At one point I needed to use the restroom. Built into the wall I saw something that took me a second to figure out. My first thought was that the restaurant had been remodeled and parts of the ‘old kitchen’ area were now used for other purposes. I saw what looked like an oven in what was now the restroom. After a minute or two it finally dawned on me that this was a baby changing table. My mind (the smart ass humor side) then thought how horrible it was that there was a ‘baby oven’ in the wall. 

Now really…tell me this does NOT look like a possible oven to you. I giggled about this for quite a while.

This last trip was the first time I had flown without my husband.  I have become very accustomed to him handling the travel issues.  I get sensory overload and confused quite easily.  So, he leads the way through security and the airport.  

Hubby had decided to drop me off instead of coming in with me.  He promised to at least slow down as I got out….gee, thanks, Honey.  I was on my own.  This should prove interesting.

I went to the departure board and looked for my flight.  It was not there.  I figured maybe different boards show different things so I looked for another board.  I found one.  It did not show my flight.  It was showing a flight to Baltimore where I thought my flight was supposed to be.  I started to panic.  *First test:  FAIL!*

As I turned away from the board I saw a change in the board out of the corner of my eye.  I looked back and it still showed a flight to Baltimore from Orlando.  As I kept looking it changed to Islip, NY.  Apparently if the flight is continuing to another location after the first they show both by flashing between the two.  I had been looking at that spot on the board only when it was showing Baltimore.  With this new information, I made my way to my area.  

Now, my husband explained to me the general layout of our local airport.  You enter the airport at the central hub which you can think of the ‘torso’.  Then you take a tram along the ‘arm’ over to the ‘hand’ (gate hub) your airline is designated to be on.  Then terminal gates are spaced along the ‘fingers’ of the hand.  He also taught me that to find your way in an airport, look up.  Always look up.  There will be signs, words and arrows directing you where you need to go.

My terminal was at gate 103.  I got on the tram to take me out to the hand I needed.  Once there I started walking forward.  When I got to the end of the finger I was at gate 129.  There was nowhere else to go.  *Second test:  FAIL!*

I walked all the way back up to the terminal hub.  I looked back down the finger I had just visited.  Then I looked up.  There was a sign that showed, “GATES 120-129”.  I looked to my right.  I looked up.  There was a sign that displayed, “GATES 110-119”.  I was starting to sense a pattern here.  I looked to my left.  I looked up.  I saw a sign that showed, “GATES 100-109”.  AH HA!  I proceeded down the correct finger while resisting the urge to give that first finger THE finger!

Once I found my gate, I knew I should use the bathroom.  It was a 2.5 hour flight so I needed to start the unloading process.  I hate using the bathrooms on the plane.  I avoid it at all cost.  They are built for people not of my size.  In a space that small I would end up making enough noise that people would think I was joining a certain ‘club’ in flight.  It would definitely give the wrong impression when I was the only one exiting the bathroom.  

I was walking back up the finger when I was almost mowed down by the “Mommy Brigade”!  Three women walking abreast with oversized strollers.  I stood before them like a deer about to meet a Mack truck in the dead of night.  At the last second I darted to the side and saved my own life.  The “Mommy Brigade” took no notice of me or anyone else.  They parted for no one!  The just walked down the finger passing small villages of travelers.  They took no notice of the destruction in their wake.  It was beneath them to care.  They were breeders and they were proud of it!  Yeah, the breeder attitude annoys the crap out of me.  One of these days I am going to put a stick in their stroller wheel spokes.

Next up was a trip to the gift shop.  Thanks to the intelligence of the TSA, you have to buy something to take on the plane in the gift shops provided.  You cannot bring anything to eat or drink into an airport.  I have serious suspicions that sales were down in airports and now the gift shops are in cahoots with the TSA.

I spotted my prey almost immediately upon entering the shop.  A name brand bag of almonds hung on the wall.  Now, I am not considered short.  I am fairly average as far as I know.  At 5’7”, I am safely within the range of being able to make fun of my mom who lives her life in a lilliputian reality (5’nuttin”).  I reached for the almonds and was denied.  They were on the top row hanging from a metal hook that I was pretty sure blew me a raspberry after the first attempt.  I tried again…denied.  I spent the next couple of minutes living in the hell spawned city that my mother has learned to navigate pretty much since her birth.  Do I now understand and relate to my mother’s frustrations?  Yes.  Will I stop teasing her about her height?  Heck no.  ::snicker::

Then I had a bright idea.  I had a carry on bag (laptop satchel) that I could put behind the nuts and slide it forward to take it off the hook.  Now, this was a grand idea IF I had not stuffed the satchel full of everything I thought I could possibly need during the flight.  Anyone who is a habitual ‘over-packer’ will know how heavy that laptop bag was.  This is coming from someone who had to have the laptop satchel as well as a small rolling suitcase (stuffed full!) for a stay that would be less than 24 hours.  I was arriving at 12:30pm on Tuesday and leaving at 9:30am on Wednesday.  

Shut up.  I NEED 3 shirts!  What if I spilled something on the first one?  I need a back up.  And then what if I brush up against something while wearing the second one?  Then I will be damned glad to have the third shirt!  And then I have the fail-safe crappy fourth shirt in which to travel home.  Now, take this theory through ALL of your garments, next time you travel, and you will understand how packed that suitcase was.  Now add toiletries, makeup, shoes, hosiery, hairbrush and all the incidentals that you see through the house as you pack.  ::sigh::

So, the 50lb laptop bag was killing my arm as I tried to maneuver the almonds off of the insolent bag hook.  After about 40 seconds of trying, which felt like 2 hours, I gave up my Sisyphean task.  I heard the beginnings of a celebration from the top shelf inhabitants.  And I am almost positive I saw the hook on the left give a high five to the target bastard that held the nuts hostage.  I turned around after my unproductive work out and saw a different brand of almonds on a lower shelf.  I now know this is a conspiracy by the almonds of America.  The consolation pack of almonds were among the worst I have ever tasted.  I would have done just as well to pick up the nuts thrown down the garbage chute by Willy Wonka’s squirrels.  Off to my plane with my ‘tasty’ snack, went I.

There were no more incidents before boarding the plane.  I was fortunate enough to be seated next to an angel of a man who helped me put my ‘small carry-on bag’ above our seats.  The poor guy almost had to be airlifted to a local hospital with a Texas sized hernia.  But he held his tongue on the weight of the bag, I think it was because he was too busy trying to breathe after the unexpected exercise.  We were seated at the very front of the plane so when we landed he did not have a standing crowd to dart into in an effort to get away.  So, he risked his life and took the bag down as well.  He did seem to make a bee line to the door and up the ramp to the gate before I got over the plane’s threshold, though.

All in all, it was  a pleasant flight.  Well, at least as pleasant as they get for me.  The seats are not made for comfort should you be over a size 2, it seems.  I got number of pictures out of the window.  A couple of which are a soothing blue/white display.  The flight home was not near as pleasant.  But that is a tale for another time.

It's all fun and games until you have to kill your husband

So, my adventure was interesting from the very beginning.  This story is absolutely true.

I am a very nervous flyer.  I had worked the night before my trip so I was tired and feeling punchy.  My husband was driving me to the airport when a song started playing on his ipod. 

It was AC/DC “Hells Bells”.  I took offense to this (read as superstition) and fast forwarded the music.

The next song that came on was, Lady Gaga “I’m so happy I could die”.  Nope.  Fast forward. 

Next up was Phil Collins “Something happened on the way to heaven”.  Nope nope.  Fast forward. 

Next up was Blue Oyster Cult “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper”.

At this point my husband was almost peeing himself from laughter. 

Not funny, Honey.  Not funny. 

 

Okay, it’s kind of funny now.    ;-)



Had another speaking event this past Tuesday...In New Jersey!  

Huge and constant thanks to my hubby for keeping me on time and organized. I would not navigate airports near as well without his help. Hubby likes to say that I would forget my head, if it was not attached. And he’s correct.
  smile emoticon
We got bumped up to 1st class on the way up. That was VERY nice! Unfortunately, on the way home we had to fly business…AND we could not sit together. The gentleman that was on my right was a blessing! I confessed that I do not fly well and he tried to entertain me during the take off and landing. 

I got off the plane (into the tube connecting the plane to the terminal) and thought, "hmmmm....seems a bit chilly in here". We were in the terminal after only a few seconds and it felt fine in there. Then we went to get our hotel shuttle. I stepped out to get on the train/monorail that would take me there. Stepping out to get on the train I felt the weather outside. SHEESH! Someone write the NJ tourist bureau and let them know it's April! It was 28 degrees outside! The Florida native is in below freezing weather! 

When I packed for this event I remembered everything…except a coat. Thankfully, hubby was there to remember the necessities. I don’t think about these things at home. You don’t really need a coat at home. You go from home to car to building for desired activity. Then you reverse the order at the end of the day. All of these places have climate control so no big deal. Ummm…28 degree weather convinces you that it is a big deal in some places.

I have to say that I am enjoying having a ‘car service’. My driver makes sure I get to my events on time and all I have to do is ride in the car. It’s very nice!

The event went well, I think. I had more people than ever before stop to talk to me afterward. All of them said that they enjoyed my story and thought I did well.

Thank you to Frank for giving me the idea of how to handle stumbling in my speech. The, “What you are seeing here is a live demonstration of a ‘brain fog’ moment” seemed to amuse the audience. The audience was also amused by the anecdotes of my dealing with the cold. I told them I appreciated them changing the forecast right before I arrived. The weather channel initially showed a possibility of ‘flurries’. Hubby correctly pointed out that the native Floridian doesn't do ‘flurries’ unless they are from a restaurant.

All in all, I think I am getting used to the public speaking. I don’t really remember having serious nerves before the event. I was anxious about some changes that hubby and I made to the speech but nothing serious. I am getting more and more comfortable in front of people.

The flight home had a bit of turbulence. It was unpleasant but I survived. I did not have hubby next to me so I did not have a hand to crush. It reinforced my opinion that I need to invest in a squishy stuffed animal for rocky flights.

I will admit I got some nice sunrise shots on the way up to NJ.  Thank you to the flight attendant who convinced me to look out the window!

Holy Crap!

It's been almost 3 years since my last blog post?  WTH?  Consistent I am not.  Now that I remember I have a blog, I need to write more.

Funny thing....lately I cannot find my funny bone.  Humorous writing usually comes naturally.  But for a couple of weeks, I have not seen humor in much.

I think it is because I cannot shake this feeling of 'tired'.  I don't mean, "I think I will go take a nap for a half hour" kind of tired.  I mean, "I want to crawl into bed and hibernate under the covers".  When I get up I am still tired.  I go to work and by the time I'm done, I am truly done.  So, I go home and vegetate for a couple of hours and then back to bed.

I know some of you will tell me that I need to exercise.  Those of you thinking that are evil sadistic bastard children of venereal diseased hamsters.

Okay, I know there is a slim possibility that exercise might help.  I'm sure that the chances of that being true are somewhere around the same as small alien pancake shaped amphibians are inhabiting my brain.  I don't care how much research backs up your theory.  Sleep is the order of the day!

Am I perhaps engaging in a reverse psychology type of approach on myself?  Maybe.  Maybe if I start thinking about it, I might slowly move over to more activity.  Yeah right...and maybe the small land based Aunt Jemima shaped aliens will move into my brain and I can have a big breakfast buffet featuring frontal lobe 'braffles' (brain + waffle).

I will try to get on the treadmill when I get home.  Maybe exercise will help me remember to do more creative things...like post to the blog that only 2 people read.   *waves to Tam*

Shannon's Adventures in Hippyland #2

Yesterday afternoon and last night were brutal.

Spend 1.5 hours in hippyland. ✔
Get hit with brick wall of fatigue halfway home. ✔
Carry groceries inside and put them away by yourself because hubby is at ‘House Warehouse’. ✔
Realize all countertops in the kitchen need to be cleaned off before dinner can be cooked. ✔
Get hubby to agree to leftovers for dinner. ✔
Proceed with juicing plan. ✔
Ask for help with juicing when you get tired. ✔
Get out new juice recipe for hubby to try. ✔

And this is where the fun started.

First up on the menu was a new juice I thought hubby would enjoy.  He was definitely not fond of my green juice.

It was time to set up the juicer. Hubby had to remind me on a couple of particulars but for the most part I was good.

It was then time to prepare the veggies and fruits.  As usual hubby was more comfortable with me washing the veggies and him cutting them. For some reason he doesn’t like me handling sharp instruments.

I had one last thing to do at the sink and then I was done with the prep work. But when I turned around hubby was standing in front of the juicer.

::Could he truly be curious about the process????::

I did not want to mess with the delicate balance of possibilities. I was hopeful but cautious. Move too fast and the deer runs into the forest flipping you the middle finger of a white tail. I slowly slid next to hubby in front of the veggie bowl and smiled.

“So, what is with the high and low speed?”, he asked.

::YES! He’s showing interest! He might be willing to enter operations!  Someone get that man a work apron and visor! AND A TITLE! For goodness sake slap a title on that man! Titles keep people around!::

I replied, “The hard veggies and fruits like carrots and apples get juiced on high speed. Soft veggies and fruit, like peeled lemons, get juiced on low. Last time I did the high speed first and then the low speed items.”

“Okay.”

And then he flipped the switch.
:: Dramatic Sound – Think Law and Order ::

“DOINK – DOINK”

He picked up a carrot piece and dropped it down the chute. It took a little off it but it mostly just bounced around in the chute. He used the plunger and pushed it into the shredder area.

Have you ever seen a blood spray on a horror movie? Think of what that looked like but with moist tiny bits of flesh as well as blood. And you don’t see it spraying away from you against a wall, as they usually show it. You see it spraying towards you against the plastic of the machine enclosure.

And the oddest thing happened...two words.

Hubby    
Giggled

Suddenly our roles reversed. It became my job to separate the high speed from the low speed items to make it easier for him. Hubby was soon making horrific torture sounds and slow death sounds for the veggies. He was much more creative than I was my first time. He began to put things in while laughing and asking me, “Hey honey, what does this look like?”

He seemed to have fun with killing the veggies so I asked if he would help me use up a lot of the veggies I had for my preferred juice. He agreed and we made a huge batch of my green juice. He continued the death sounds for the veggies. He also came up with new ways to torture them before tossing them into the maelstrom.

I began to worry just a bit. I think I will start sleeping with a sharpened carrot under my pillow.

Once the juicing was finished we had dinner and rested. We were both pretty whooped after all this activity following busy work days.

Then off to bed and once morning arrived I made a plant-friendly breakfast. Frozen whole grains with frozen berries and a few cherries were heated and mixed. They were topped with honey and cinnamon and then walnuts. Hubby said he actually liked it. Rah! Rah! for plant-friendly recipes working! I did not kill my hubby! Woohooo!

Shannon's Adventures in Hippyland #2

Yesterday afternoon and last night were brutal.

Spend 1.5 hours in hippyland. ✔
Get hit with brick wall of fatigue halfway home. ✔
Carry groceries inside and put them away by yourself because hubby is at ‘House Warehouse’. ✔
Realize all countertops in the kitchen need to be cleaned off before dinner can be cooked. ✔
Get hubby to agree to leftovers for dinner. ✔
Proceed with juicing plan. ✔
Ask for help with juicing when you get tired. ✔
Get out new juice recipe for hubby to try. ✔

And this is where the fun started.

First up on the menu was a new juice I thought hubby would enjoy.  He was definitely not fond of my green juice.

It was time to set up the juicer. Hubby had to remind me on a couple of particulars but for the most part I was good.

It was then time to prepare the veggies and fruits.  As usual hubby was more comfortable with me washing the veggies and him cutting them. For some reason he doesn’t like me handling sharp instruments.

I had one last thing to do at the sink and then I was done with the prep work. But when I turned around hubby was standing in front of the juicer.

::Could he truly be curious about the process????::

I did not want to mess with the delicate balance of possibilities. I was hopeful but cautious. Move too fast and the deer runs into the forest flipping you the middle finger of a white tail. I slowly slid next to hubby in front of the veggie bowl and smiled.

“So, what is with the high and low speed?”, he asked.

::YES! He’s showing interest! He might be willing to enter operations!  Someone get that man a work apron and visor! AND A TITLE! For goodness sake slap a title on that man! Titles keep people around!::

I replied, “The hard veggies and fruits like carrots and apples get juiced on high speed. Soft veggies and fruit, like peeled lemons, get juiced on low. Last time I did the high speed first and then the low speed items.”

“Okay.”

And then he flipped the switch.
:: Dramatic Sound – Think Law and Order ::

“DOINK – DOINK”

He picked up a carrot piece and dropped it down the chute. It took a little off it but it mostly just bounced around in the chute. He used the plunger and pushed it into the shredder area.

Have you ever seen a blood spray on a horror movie? Think of what that looked like but with moist tiny bits of flesh as well as blood. And you don’t see it spraying away from you against a wall, as they usually show it. You see it spraying towards you against the plastic of the machine enclosure.

And the oddest thing happened...two words.

Hubby    
Giggled

Suddenly our roles reversed. It became my job to separate the high speed from the low speed items to make it easier for him. Hubby was soon making horrific torture sounds and slow death sounds for the veggies. He was much more creative than I was my first time. He began to put things in while laughing and asking me, “Hey honey, what does this look like?”

He seemed to have fun with killing the veggies so I asked if he would help me use up a lot of the veggies I had for my preferred juice. He agreed and we made a huge batch of my green juice. He continued the death sounds for the veggies. He also came up with new ways to torture them before tossing them into the maelstrom.

I began to worry just a bit. I think I will start sleeping with a sharpened carrot under my pillow.

Once the juicing was finished we had dinner and rested. We were both pretty whooped after all this activity following busy work days.

Then off to bed and once morning arrived I made a plant-friendly breakfast. Frozen whole grains with frozen berries and a few cherries were heated and mixed. They were topped with honey and cinnamon and then walnuts. Hubby said he actually liked it. Rah! Rah! for plant-friendly recipes working! I did not kill my hubby! Woohooo!

Shannon’s Adventures in Hippyland #1

If any terms and/or nicknames I use offend you, I apologize.  I write for humor value and to share my experiences with others.  I hope you can see and enjoy the humor without getting all wrapped up in perceived offense.

Recently, I have been watching some documentaries.  They have been about various subjects but most centered on the food industry and/or changing your eating style.  Saying that the films scared the wheat grass out of me would be an understatement.

Due to what I have learned, I have decided to make a lifestyle change regarding my diet.  I am sure this will be a long process.  I am sure it will be achieved with baby steps and the occasional leap.  The past few days have been leaps.

One of these leaps was venturing into the ‘Wholy Land’ of Hippyland.  I was pretty sure I would be met with pitchforks and torches.  I figured the natives would scream sayings like, “Egg Slayer!”, “Chicken Choker” (that saying was pulled due to popular misconception) and “Meat lovers should be left at the curb for recycling pick up!”  That last saying really never made it out of beta testing and failed several focus groups.

Strangely enough no one seemed to notice the obvious non-hippy’s entrance into Hippyland.  Could this place be open to all?  Most people even said hello! Now I know I’m in Hippyland!  When I stood in the produce section looking clueless people asked if I needed assistance.  I’m not talking about the employees, though they asked as well.  Regular people asked me if they could be of help!

Once I was done in the produce section I wandered the store looking for a couple of items on my list. As I perused the aisles I saw her.  She was perfect.  She was so grand and regal.  I dubbed her the Queen Hippy.  She floated around with the assurance of one who has created a close friendship with the store.  She had one baby strapped to her front and another snuggled to her back.  Both were sound asleep.  The bustle of the store was obviously familiar to them.

Once I reached the checkout lane I was a bit intimidated to find that I was directly behind Her Majesty.  Would my purchases be mocked?  I was still new to this attempt at healthy eating.  Would the Royal Blessing be bestowed upon my cart?  I just kept my focus on the conveyor a hoped she would not notice me.  She turned back to my purchases.

“Oh, that looks good”, she said.

She was speaking of my cereal choice.  I told her where I had read about it.

YES!  I had the Royal Blessing!  I felt much more confident having survived my first trip to Hippyland.  And that I received a compliment on a purchase?  Well, that was just soy-based icing on the gluten-free no animal product cake.

Bike Decals

5 minutes before the end of shift.  Yes, 5 minutes before freedom.  Isn't that when all the crazies seem to call?

  

Okay, this girl didn't really qualify for 'crazy' so much as owner of the no common sense pool.  She thought she needed help.  No really, she was sure we could help her.  

D = Dispatch
C = Caller

D - "Police department, this is Shannon.  How may I help you?"
C - "Yeah, I cannot find my bike.  I chained it here and I cannot find my bike."
D - "Okay, where are you?"
C - "I'm outside of the Chai Dorms."
D - "Okay, when was the last time you saw your bike?"
C - "I just chained it up a couple of hours ago.  I know it has to be here somewhere."
D - "You don't think your bike was stolen?"
C - "No.  I know it's here somewhere.  I just cannot find it."
D - "So, you do not wish to file a report for a stolen bicycle?"
C - "No!  I know it is here!  I just cannot find it!  I need help finding it!"
D - "Ma'am, we don't send people out to help you search bike racks for your bicycle."
C - "I put a decal on my bike and registered it with parking services!  Why the hell did I do that if it won't help me find my bike!?"
D - "The decals on the bikes are not locators, ma'am."
C - "Well, what am I supposed to do?"
D - "We would suggest you keep looking in the bike racks around that building to see if your bike is there.  If you do not find it, give us a call back and we will send someone out to take a stolen bike report."
C - "I don't know how many bike racks are around the building!  Can you at least tell me that?"
D - "We don't have that information, ma'am.  We would suggest you walk all the way around the building and check each bike rack you come to.  Stop when you recognize somewhere you have already been."
C - "So, the decal is useless?!"
D - "No, if it turns out the bike is stolen the decal helps identify it as yours.  If your bike were to be pawned, it is a way for it to be traced back to you."
C - "But you cannot locate my bike with the decal?"
D - "No ma'am.  As I said, the decals are not locating devices."
C - "Well, thanks for nothing then!"

PSA for the day:

1) If you have an alarm, it is good to test your alarm

2) If you have a panic alarm, it is very good to test your panic alarm

3) If you are a place of commerce, it is very very good to test your robbery alarm

4) If you are a place that deals pretty much ONLY with money (read as; bank), it is very VERY good to test your robbery alarm

5) If you are a bank, it is very VERY good to teach your tellers how to act as one unit and recognize danger and press their alarms simultaneously

6) If you are a bank and your tellers make you proud by acting as one unit, it is good to know the police will recognize a unified effort as a more serious alarm and less likely to be an accidental bump on the alarm

More than any of the previous good things...

7) If you are a bank and your tellers act as one unit while practicing hitting their robbery/hold-up buttons, notify the police department that you will be testing your robbery/hold-up buttons PRIOR to conducting aforementioned drill!

It would seem like common sense, yes?  Let's just say that common sense is lacking sometimes.

New mantra:

'Yea, though I walk through the valley of morons, I will step ever lightly: for they are many and they are breeding.'

Welcome to my day.

Today's PSA


To friends, family and anyone else...this is your PSA for the day:

Teach your family members and *especially* your children some common sense.

More than once I have heard stories in dispatch of people drowning in their car while on the phone with 911 operators.

911 operators are trained to ask certain questions first and it can delay you getting to safety. Yes, you should answer questions asked by a 911 operator but not at the expense of your own life.

Here's the scenario -

* You accidentally drive your vehicle into a ditch, pond, lake, river...etc
* Water is coming into your vehicle
* You dial 911 on your cell phone
* The 911 operator asks your location
* You proceed to describe your location (let's assume you don't know an exact location due to being on a highway or something like that)
* The dispatcher continues to question you to try to get more information to find you and tells you not to disconnect from the call
* You stay in your seat and stay belted because you are told to not disconnect or go anywhere

STOP RIGHT THERE!

You are increasing your chances of drowning! Use your brain! There IS a point when you do NOT listen to the operator and tell them you have to exit the vehicle due to water coming in. Maybe the dispatcher did not know or did not hear you say you were in a lake, river, creek, pond...etc. GET OUT OF THE FREAKING VEHICLE! Ultimately, YOU are responsible for your own safety!

I HIGHLY recommend buying a multi-tool for your car. It should be at least a knife (folding knife to avoid accidents), glass breaker and seat-belt cutter and preferably have a clip on the back so you can firmly clip it somewhere in your vehicle for easy access and somewhere it won’t go flying if you have an accident. Mine is clipped to a shelf under my steering wheel. It takes some muscle to unclip so it is doubtful anything but a major disaster will shake it loose…and even then it is a folding knife so it is not going to slice anyone if it does come loose. I have attached a picture of one of these tools so you can see what I am talking about.

The moral of this posting is that you need to prepare now for the slim possibilities that can happen in your vehicle. YOU are responsible for what happens once you turn the key. USE YOUR COMMON SENSE!

And for heaven’s sake if you are in a car filling with water, undo your seat belt and get out! This is priority! If your phone gets wet and becomes unusable you can rest assured some nosy nelly is going to stop to see the commotion and will likely have a cell phone you can use.

And when THAT happens remember to use your common sense on who you talk to and allow to give you a ride, if that is needed! *Take the knife with you when you exit the car*! There are predators who will take advantage of your vulnerability on the side of the road. Stay alert to all possible outcomes.

I know all this sounds silly but I would not feel it was necesssary to post this, if people had not died from making these mistakes.



It's electric, Boogie woogie, woogie


Our college has a parking department with patrollers that roam the campus citing those that break the rules but that also help disabled vehicles and their owners.

They will:
- drive owners to a local gas station to get gas, if they run out.
- offer battery jumps if they leave their lights on while they are in class
- drive people around when they lose their cars (happens ALL the time)
- come open your car door if you lock your keys in the car.

But one thing our parking people cannot do is open the car doors of those with electric lock/window systems.  It is simply a policy the university has.

It almost never fails that we have to explain what an electric lock/window system is to those that call.  Really people? You don’t know what an electric lock/window system is? So the conversation goes something like this:

D = Dispatch
C = Caller

D – “Police department, this is Shannon how may I help you?”
C – “Ummm…yeah…ummm, I like locked my keys in my car. Could someone like come open my car for me?”
D – “Do you have power locks?”
C – “Power locks?”
D – “Yes, power locks and windows.”
C – “Like what’s that?”
D - ::sigh:: “Can you push one button to lock and unlock all your doors?”
C – “No.”

Now there aren’t many cars on the road these days where people don’t choose power systems so I always dig a little further.

D – “Do you have a key fob on your key chain?”
C – “Like what’s that?”
D – “Is there something on your key chain that makes your car go ‘beep beep’ when you push it and your doors unlock?”
C – “Oh yeaahhhhh… Now I see what you mean!”
D – “Well, that is a power lock system. Our patrollers cannot open vehicles with power systems. The tools they use will damage cars with those systems. You will have to contact a roadside service or a locksmith.”
C – “They can’t help me why?”
D – “Because you have power locks and windows.”
C – “Well, what if my car is already off? Then there’s no power!”

::FACEPALM:: ::DOUBLE SIGH:: 

As I am sure you have seen in movies and on television shows, emergency response departments have strange senses of humor.  We also love practical jokes.  No one and nothing is safe.

I almost pulled one over on one of my Community Service Officers yesterday. I was able to stay serious all the way until the end when she called my bluff. She ultimately did not fall for it but she did have to stop and think for a second...lol

D = Dispatcher C = Community Service Officer

D - "Police department this is Shannon. May I help you?"
C - "Hi Shannon. We have a bird stuck in an office in the bookstore. Would you send an officer to come get it out?"
D - "Sure thing. Which office is it in?"
C - "It's an office all the way in the back. Have the officer check in at the information desk and I will meet them there."
D - "Okay. How big is the bird?"
C - "It's a really small bird."
D - "Do you know what kind of bird it is?"
C - "No. It's just really small and fast."
D - "What color is the bird?"
C - "It's brown."
D - "Are there any other colors on it?"
C - "Well, it's dark brown and light brown."
D - "Do you see any black on it?"
C - "Uh, no."
D - "Okay, you're sure there aren't any other colors on it?"
C - "I don't think so."
D - "So, you don't see any red feathers?"
C - "No. I didn't see any red."
D - "You're sure. If you see red feathers, you have to get people away from the bird."
C - "I didn't see any red feathers."
D - "You know if a bird has red feathers it is venomous, right?"

::long pause::

::nervous laughter:: 

C - "NUH-UH!" 

At that point the jig was up. We both had a good laugh and I felt accomplished for the day.

Police work is serious business people! (but we do have our fun moments)     ;-)

I work in a police department on a college campus.  This provides much entertainment.  

This is a recent winner for humor value.

D = Dispatcher C = Caller

D - "Police department this is Shannon may I help you?"
C - "Yes, I am looking for my bike. I left it on a shuttle yesterday."
D - "What kind of bike is it?"
C - "A blue and silver one."
D - "Does your bike have a brand name?"
C - "I can't remember what brand my bike is."
D - "What type of bike is it? Does it have a lot of gears?"
C - "It's a normal bike with a regular amount of gears."
D - "So, all you know about your bike is that it is blue and silver."
C - "Yes."
D - "Okay, let me check our lost and found book."

I put the student on hold and checked the book with not much hope.

D - "We have not had any bikes turned in since before yesterday."
C - "Well, could you check last night?"


I heaved a heavy sigh as I realized I was going to have to explain A LOT to this person.  I reminded myself that college admittance does not guarantee basic comprehension.

D - "We haven't had any bikes turned in since before yesterday."
C - "Well, does that mean there weren't any turned in last night?"

As my head hit the table in frustration I realized my chances of having a break through with THIS Einstein were slim.

D - "Yesterday would be BEFORE last night, sir."
C - "Oh well, could you check yesterday?"
D - "As I said we have not had any bikes turned in since BEFORE yesterday."
C - "So, my bike can't be there?"
D - "Not unless it was able to sneak in here when we weren't looking."
C - "Could I come check the impound?"
D - "Sure you can sir. And if you find that bike, make sure you reprimand it properly for sneaking onto police property without proper authorization or filing the correct paperwork."
C - "Huh?"
D - "Have a nice day sir. We are here 24 hours a day whenever you want to look for your bike."
D - "Yeah uh, thanks."

So hubby and I recently had "a moment" where our opinions did not agree.

The moment lasted 3.5 days.      ;-)

We have been taking ballroom dancing lessons for over a year.  Every two weeks there is a social dance at our studio where the students can come practice what they learned that week and just have fun in general.  I look forward to this dance very much.

The last dance hubby canceled at the last minute because he was "tired".  I was not happy.  I dealt with it and decided to go by myself.  I had a decent time but not as much fun as I usually have with him, of course.

This last Friday hubby again waited until the last minute to mention that he was tired.  As his wife, I felt it was my duty to "give him an out".  He leaped on it like a lion on the slowest gazelle in the herd.  I was less than thrilled.

Sometimes hubby does not seem to understand the "give and take" theory.  IMHO, it is part of a spouse's job to offer "an out" occasionally.  But it is the other spouse's job to not always take the out when it is up against something that is important to the other one.


Recipe for marital discord :

Cancel on social dance at the last minute with no warning  - ✔ (check)
Sit on the couch and play your video game after canceling  - ✔
Ensure that wife has to hang up brand new outfit bought for the occasion and not wear it  - ✔
Make sure the wife also had hair done for the dance  - ✔
Don't comment on hair or general appearance efforts  - ✔
Do all this on what was the Valentine's Day dance  - ✔
Respond to wife's irritation with silent treatment towards the wife and apathy for the situation  - ✔
Stop doing nice things (like saying 'bless you' to a sneeze) in response to wife's return silent treatment  - ✔

1) Mix all ingredients together and let marinate for 3.5 days.

2) Decide to confront the situation only once you feel you are safe.

3) Decide you are safe while driving the car with wife as passenger (don't question male logic).

4) Make sure this is directly after said wife wiped to floor with you at the weekly weigh in.  Therefore, wife already has grounds to feel like she is in a good place to put a serious whooping in your future since there is already one in your immediate past.

5) Turn to wife and ask her, "So do you want to continue like this or would you like to talk?"

To have this recipe turn out with better than average possibility of healthy results...

6) Run like the hounds of hades are after you.

Hubby opted for:

6) Stare at wife and wait for response.

I proceeded to unload my reasons for irritation to him.  I let him know that his responses to my irritation were not appreciated and would not be welcomed in the future (Okay, so I used different words and there was quite a bit more heat).

Hubby tried to defend himself and started to use sarcasm in his apologies ("okay okay, so I am SORRY I was tired ). The more he used sarcasm and seemed to refuse to see any fault on his part the quieter I got in my responses (hint: when a female gets quieter during a disagreement....RUN...she is approaching maximum capacity for crap).  I finally told him that I did not agree to discuss this so that we could fight about it.  He wanted to know what was wrong and what my reasons were and I told him.  End of discussion.

I think hubby realized that there was no "winning" this conversation.  Winning was not the point.  It was a matter of, "Here is how I feel.  You need to acknowledge these feelings and decide how you want these situations to turn out in the future".  (and apologizing profusely for the current infraction would not hurt your chances of survival)

In general hubby is a very sensitive guy.  I am proud of that part of him.  He just momentarily lost touch with that side of himself in the interest of his own wishes.  It happens to us all.  Hubby is allowed to mess up.  He's just not allowed to mess up and not care.  And he's most certainly not allowed to mess up and not eventually do something to clean up the mess.  (Here's your pooper scooper honey)

Hubby has since been released from the doghouse and is back inside.  What he may not realize is that I am keeping a bag of kibble in the garage just in case.  You never know when you might need follow up lessons.

Well, holy crap.  A friend recommended that I start a blog because she seems to think my writing is entertaining (I haven't had her drug tested yet as that might be the source of her humor...but okay).  And what do you know?  I had already started a blog a few years ago!  Well, that just makes things easier.

Not that anyone was paying attention to the danged thing...but if anyone out there in cyberspace missed me, I apologize for my absence.  With my new job and other things I have lots to write about.  I hope to spend more time here.  We'll see.     ;-)

Cruise - 1^st Formal Night and Satan's Hairbrush

I am not sure what we did all day. It is kind of a blur.

I know we ate. It's a cruise and a full day at sea. Duh. What else is a fat chick gonna do?

Breakfast was in the dining room (for portion control) due to the stellar advice of my friend, Greg. Lunch was somewhere I can't remember. But I kept myself tightly leashed for the first 2 or 3 days. 

Then I decided I did not care so much. ::grin:: But we did keep going for breakfast in the dining room 'cause the food was generally better and we did not stuff ourselves before going into ports.
Hubby and I got dressed in very casual clothes and went up to the spa deck.
Hold on to your shorts….

We went to the gym and worked out…A FULL BODY workout! Upper, Lower and Abs were worked…then cardio! The only reason we did not do a full hour on the stationary bikes was because Hubby saw a sign that requested guests to limit it to a half hour since people had to wait for the machines.
Hubby got a calf cramp after 20 minutes on the bike but I did my full half hour. We were in the gym at least 2 hours. It was probably closer to 3. Then we went to the whirlpool which was not hot so I did not stay in it very long.

I hurt for the rest of the week. But we did it! We said we would do it again on the next day at sea, but I still hurt a whole lot. So, we skipped it.
That was most of the day.

Now it was time to shower and primp for dinner. It was the 1^st formal night so I knew I would want extra time to get ready. I scheduled a full 3 hours to get ready.

Thank goodness I did.

Remember back in the 1^st story where I said the hair gel and the hairbrush would be important? We are to that point.

I showered. No biggie. I am a big girl and do not tend to flush myself down the drain.
I brushed my teeth. No biggie. I know body parts and don't poke myself in the eye with the tooth brush.
I used deodorant. No biggie. I had thought to buy the "invisible" kind that won't mark up my clothes.
I used perfume. No biggie. I am considerate and dab it on lightly & carefully rather than bathe in it.
I knew better than to do my makeup before hair. I was going to use a hair dryer for the 1^st time in a very long time and I knew it might make me hot and therefore, sweat a little. I do not wish to sweat my foundation off so do hair first.
Dayum! I am brilliant at this for being a bigtime tomboy and totally inexperienced with this crap!

Now, I had paid attention at the hairdresser's to see the motions she made during the styling process. I remembered what she did, which is pretty amazing for me 4 days later.
I sprayed on the hair stuff. I had double and triple checked that this was not a strong hold type gel. Just a soft "now I want you to keep this type of style in a gentle fashion".
I brushed it through with my everyday brush to ensure that it was all through my hair. I was good to go w/the hairdryer.

I picked up the "big huge could be used as a dildo for an elephant perfectly round" hairbrush that will from here be known as SH (Satan's Hairbrush). In the other hand I picked up the hair dryer.

My hairdresser had cut a good 6 inches off my hair so it should be even easier to work with now. Please note the word "should".

I sectioned my hair into three sections from top to bottom as my hairdresser had done. I started with the bottom section.

I took SH and brushed through the bottom section. I went through again stopping before leaving the end of the hair and wound SH back up the hair folding "under". I turned on the hairdryer and focused it on the wound hair for no more than 30 or 60 seconds moving it slightly back and forth so the hair would not burn.

Satisfied that the hair had enough on the pass, I turned the hair dryer off and set it down. I unwound SH from my hair.


Let me rephrase that in a more correct manner.


I TRIED to unwind SH from my hair. It would not budge.
I pulled a little harder remembering to gently go back and forth with the unwinding motion.

Hubby looked up when he heard the little squeak of pain and huff of "I am starting to get pissed off 'cause I am figuring out that I have likely done something stupid and there is no one to blame but myself…but I will use anyone nearby if possible".

I tried to take a deep breath and calm myself and made another attempt to remove SH. Hubby started to look a little alarmed when he saw my face in the mirror. He knows that look. He is not a completely stupid man. He is actually fairly smart when it comes to self-preservation. He saw me trying to do something and did not like what he was seeing. I tried again.

There could have been a fucking tidal wave of "Poseidon Adventure" proportions and people could have anchored their lifelines to SH and kept themselves alive for as long as my hair follicles remained intact.

At this point, Hubby knew it was a life or death decision. He actually decided on bravery. I would have been proud, if I was not so angry at the time.

"Honey, would you like some help?"

"Yes, please. I cannot get this fucking brush out of my hair. I did everything my hairdresser did and it is not working."

After looking at my hair all he said was, "Wow".

"Wow" was NOT what I wanted to hear. I spoke through clenched teeth.

"Honey, if you cannot get that thing out of my hair get me scissors. And then I will be spending a lot of money in the spa for them to salvage what they can of my hair."

Hubby then went and got the nail clippers. He sought out and clipped every bristle of SH that was imprisoning my hair. I was finally free. The whole process took 30-45 minutes. Then I was able to start all over on my hair.

Turns out my hairdresser had used an all SOFT bristle brush. I had purchased a mix of long soft bristle like she had….but it had short bristles in it that were hard unforgiving plastic.

And for proof that is was Satan's Hairbrush and was possessed...

I threw SH away EVERY day! It reappeared on our vanity every afternoon!

Okay, okay….so it was our room steward who was fishing it out of the trash thinking it was accidentally being thrown away…but still, I say the damned thing was possessed!

Cozumel

 Spring Break on a Cruise

Lessons learned on the cruise:

1. Young college students, while pretty/hot/studly/slutty/young/loose/etc, can also be DAMNED entertaining!
2. There is no discrimination among the young and drunk when it comes to making an ass of yourself. Foolishness is definitely an EOE.
3. Drinking to excess is considered a sport among the young and competition is fierce
4. Stupidity is to be admired in your roaring 20's and is a desirable breeding quality
5. Rick & I are old and devious
6. We look old and harmless to the young, stupid and drunk

Imagine my heartbreak, dismay and fear when I saw the ship filled to capacity with young hard body college kids. Great…Now I would look like the whale that I am. Rick would be repulsed seeing me next to the blonde svelte teeny boppers. To his credit, he may have looked at them (well, he IS a man) but he looked and appreciated me too.

I finally relaxed and had a pretty good time and drank w/everybody else. We went to Key West and then on to Cozumel.

Pay attention folks. Cozumel is where drinking increases along with stupidity. Go figure.

They tell you to set your watches to "ship's time". That happens to be the time of wherever you sailed out of. It was Miami this time…Eastern Standard Time.

Enter Señor Frog's. Lots of college kids having fun. Lots of mommy's & daddy's money being spent. Lots of booze was consumed. Lots of stupidity ensues.

Señor Frog's is nice enough to put clocks on the wall and have their employees wear watches so you don't lose track of time. What time do you think they set it to? They are in Mexico. Cruise ships come from everywhere. Sure they find out what ship is rolling in that day and change their clock to match that ship's time, dumbass.

Rick & I had a couple of drinks and a good time watching the college kids get plastered. Then we took a taxi back to the pier, had a Corona at a small bar (where he taught me the saying of "Liquor and then beer, never fear") and then went back to the ship.

The ship was scheduled to sail at 11pm EST.

At 10:30pm we got a drink and went to the top deck and stood at the railing. We looked out over the pier and the incredibly blue water (lit up from lights under the ship).

At 10:40pm we heard the gangway being pulled into the ship (they ask that you be back on the ship ½ hour before sail time). We saw 2 guys running down the pier. We looked at each other and said, "I guess they didn't set their watches to ship's time". Then we were evil and giggled.

They got to the very back of the ship and no gangway appeared. One of the college guys dropped to his knees and all you heard screamed across the pier was, "OH JESUS!"

You will still hear Rick & I occasionally quote that young man. Then we will giggle.

You see, we have no doubt that they had not thought to bring their birth certificates/extra money/passports with them to Señor Frog's. So, they were stuck in Mexico with the clothes on their backs and no documentation and no extra money.

Now we saw 2 girls running down the pier. They would stop every so often to catch their breath. Then one would hit the other and they would run again. We giggled like the demons that we are when we saw that they were bawling. They were stuck in Mexico too.

We were just evil old codgers on the ship who not only had gotten back in time, but had brought extra money & documentation when we DID go out. *snicker*  Others standing at the railing looked at us funny that we were laughing at the plight of these "poor children".

Hey, if you are old enough to get drunk in Mexico and let some MC @ Señor Frog's blow CO2 up your skirt for kicks, then you are old enough to set your watch to ship's time or pay the consequences for being a dumbshit.

'Nuff said.

By the way…a lot of the old people at the railing ended up laughing with us.

PS – The way too nice people running the ship eventually let the idiots back on the ship. They just scared the beejeesus out of them.

PSS – Karma is gonna get me someday