Sunday, August 15, 2010

Cruise - 1st Formal Night and Satan's Hairbrush

I am not sure what we did all day. It is kind of a blur.

I know we ate. It's a cruise and a full day at sea. Duh. What else is a fat chick gonna do?

Breakfast was in the dining room (for portion control) due to the stellar advice of my friend, Greg. Lunch was somewhere I can't remember. But I kept myself tightly leashed for the first 2 or 3 days. 

Then I decided I did not care so much. ::grin:: But we did keep going for breakfast in the dining room 'cause the food was generally better and we did not stuff ourselves before going into ports.
Hubby and I got dressed in very casual clothes and went up to the spa deck.
Hold on to your shorts….

We went to the gym and worked out…A FULL BODY workout! Upper, Lower and Abs were worked…then cardio! The only reason we did not do a full hour on the stationary bikes was because Hubby saw a sign that requested guests to limit it to a half hour since people had to wait for the machines.
Hubby got a calf cramp after 20 minutes on the bike but I did my full half hour. We were in the gym at least 2 hours. It was probably closer to 3. Then we went to the whirlpool which was not hot so I did not stay in it very long.

I hurt for the rest of the week. But we did it! We said we would do it again on the next day at sea, but I still hurt a whole lot. So, we skipped it.
That was most of the day.

Now it was time to shower and primp for dinner. It was the 1st formal night so I knew I would want extra time to get ready. I scheduled a full 3 hours to get ready.

Thank goodness I did.

Remember back in the 1st story where I said the hair gel and the hairbrush would be important? We are to that point.

I showered. No biggie. I am a big girl and do not tend to flush myself down the drain.
I brushed my teeth. No biggie. I know body parts and don't poke myself in the eye with the tooth brush.
I used deodorant. No biggie. I had thought to buy the "invisible" kind that won't mark up my clothes.
I used perfume. No biggie. I am considerate and dab it on lightly & carefully rather than bathe in it.

I knew better than to do my makeup before hair. I was going to use a hair dryer for the 1st time in a very long time and I knew it might make me hot and therefore, sweat a little. I do not wish to sweat my foundation off so do hair first.
Dayum! I am brilliant at this for being a bigtime tomboy and totally inexperienced with this crap!

Now, I had paid attention at the hairdresser's to see the motions she made during the styling process. I remembered what she did, which is pretty amazing for me 4 days later.
I sprayed on the hair stuff. I had double and triple checked that this was not a strong hold type gel. Just a soft "now I want you to keep this type of style in a gentle fashion".
I brushed it through with my everyday brush to ensure that it was all through my hair. I was good to go w/the hairdryer.

I picked up the "big huge could be used as a dildo for an elephant perfectly round" hairbrush that will from here be known as SH (Satan's Hairbrush). In the other hand I picked up the hair dryer.

My hairdresser had cut a good 6 inches off my hair so it should be even easier to work with now. Please note the word "should".

I sectioned my hair into three sections from top to bottom as my hairdresser had done. I started with the bottom section.

I took SH and brushed through the bottom section. I went through again stopping before leaving the end of the hair and wound SH back up the hair folding "under". I turned on the hairdryer and focused it on the wound hair for no more than 30 or 60 seconds moving it slightly back and forth so the hair would not burn.

Satisfied that the hair had enough on the pass, I turned the hair dryer off and set it down. I unwound SH from my hair.

Let me rephrase that in a more correct manner.

I TRIED to unwind SH from my hair. It would not budge.
I pulled a little harder remembering to gently go back and forth with the unwinding motion.

Hubby looked up when he heard the little squeak of pain and huff of "I am starting to get pissed off 'cause I am figuring out that I have likely done something stupid and there is no one to blame but myself…but I will use anyone nearby if possible".

I tried to take a deep breath and calm myself and made another attempt to remove SH. Hubby started to look a little alarmed when he saw my face in the mirror. He knows that look. He is not a completely stupid man. He is actually fairly smart when it comes to self-preservation. He saw me trying to do something and did not like what he was seeing. I tried again.

There could have been a fucking tidal wave of "Poseidon Adventure" proportions and people could have anchored their lifelines to SH and kept themselves alive for as long as my hair follicles remained intact.

At this point, Hubby knew it was a life or death decision. He actually decided on bravery. I would have been proud, if I was not so angry at the time.

"Honey, would you like some help?"

"Yes, please. I cannot get this fucking brush out of my hair. I did everything Christie did and it is not working."

All he said was, "Wow".

"Wow" was NOT what I wanted to hear. I spoke through clenched teeth.

"Honey, if you cannot get that thing out of my hair get me scissors. And then I will be spending a lot of money in the spa for them to salvage what they can of my hair."

Hubby then went and got the nail clippers. He sought out and clipped every bristle of SH that was imprisoning my hair. I was finally free. The whole process took 30-45 minutes. Then I was able to start all over on my hair.

Turns out my hairdresser had used an all SOFT bristle brush. I had purchased a mix of long soft bristle like she had….but it had short bristles in it that were hard unforgiving plastic.

And for proof that is was Satan's Hairbrush and was possessed...

I threw SH away EVERY day! It reappeared on our vanity every afternoon!

Okay, okay….so it was our room steward who was fishing it out of the trash thinking it was accidentally being thrown away…but still, I say the damned thing was possessed!


 Spring Break on a Cruise

Lessons learned on the cruise:
  1. Young college students, while pretty/hot/studly/slutty/young/loose/etc, can also be DAMNED entertaining!
  2. There is no discrimination among the young and drunk when it comes to making an ass of yourself. Foolishness is definitely an EOE.
  3. Drinking to excess is considered a sport among the young and competition is fierce
  4. Stupidity is to be admired in your roaring 20's and is a desirable breeding quality
  5. Rick & I are old and devious
  6. We look old and harmless to the young, stupid and drunk
Imagine my heartbreak, dismay and fear when I saw the ship filled to capacity with young hard body college kids. Great…Now I would look like the whale that I am. Rick would be repulsed seeing me next to the blonde svelte teeny boppers. To his credit, he may have looked at them (well, he IS a man) but he looked and appreciated me too.

I finally relaxed and had a pretty good time and drank w/everybody else. We went to Key West and then on to Cozumel.

Pay attention folks. Cozumel is where drinking increases along with stupidity. Go figure.

They tell you to set your watches to "ship's time". That happens to be the time of wherever you sailed out of. It was Miami this time…Eastern Standard Time.

Enter Señor Frog's. Lots of college kids having fun. Lots of mommy & daddy money being spent. Lots of booze was consumed. Lots of stupidity ensues.

Señor Frog's is nice enough to put clocks on the wall and have their employees wear watches so you don't lose track of time. What time do you think they set it to? They are in Mexico. Cruise ships come from everywhere. Sure they find out what ship is rolling in that day and change their clock to match that ship's time, dumbass.

Rick & I had a couple of drinks and a good time watching the college kids get plastered. Then we took a taxi back to the pier, had a Corona at a small bar (where he taught me the saying of "Liquor and then beer, never fear") and then went back to the ship.

The ship was scheduled to sail at 11pm EST.

At 10:30pm we got a drink and went to the top deck and stood at the railing. We looked out over the pier and the incredibly blue water (lit up from lights under the ship).

At 10:40pm we heard the gangway being pulled into the ship (they ask that you be back on the ship ½ hour before sail time). We saw 2 guys running down the pier. We looked at each other and said, "I guess they didn't set their watches to ship's time". Then we were evil and giggled.

They got to the very back of the ship and no gangway appeared. One of the college guys dropped to his knees and all you heard screamed across the pier was, "OH JESUS!"

You will still hear Rick & I occasionally quote that young man. Then we will giggle.

You see, we have no doubt that they had not thought to bring their birth certificates/extra money/passports with them to Señor Frog's. So, they were stuck in Mexico with the clothes on their backs and no documentation and no extra money.

Now we saw 2 girls running down the pier. They would stop every so often to catch their breath. One would hit the other and they would run again. We giggled like the demons that we are when we saw that they were bawling. They were stuck in Mexico too.

We were just evil old codgers on the ship who not only had gotten back in time, but had brought extra money & documentation when we DID go out. *snicker*  Others standing at the railing looked at us funny that we were laughing at the plight of these "poor children".

Hey, if you are old enough to get drunk in Mexico and let some MC @ Señor Frog's blow CO2 up your skirt for kicks, then you are old enough to set your watch to ship's time or pay the consequences for being a dumbshit.

'Nuff said.

By the way…a lot of the old people at the railing ended up laughing with us.

PS – The way too nice people running the ship eventually let the idiots back on the ship. They just scared the beejeesus out of them.

PSS – Karma is gonna get me someday