It's electric, Boogie woogie, woogie


Our college has a parking department with patrollers that roam the campus citing those that break the rules but that also help disabled vehicles and their owners.

They will:
- drive owners to a local gas station to get gas, if they run out.
- offer battery jumps if they leave their lights on while they are in class
- drive people around when they lose their cars (happens ALL the time)
- come open your car door if you lock your keys in the car.

But one thing our parking people cannot do is open the car doors of those with electric lock/window systems.  It is simply a policy the university has.

It almost never fails that we have to explain what an electric lock/window system is to those that call.  Really people? You don’t know what an electric lock/window system is? So the conversation goes something like this:

D = Dispatch
C = Caller

D – “Police department, this is Shannon how may I help you?”
C – “Ummm…yeah…ummm, I like locked my keys in my car. Could someone like come open my car for me?”
D – “Do you have power locks?”
C – “Power locks?”
D – “Yes, power locks and windows.”
C – “Like what’s that?”
D - ::sigh:: “Can you push one button to lock and unlock all your doors?”
C – “No.”

Now there aren’t many cars on the road these days where people don’t choose power systems so I always dig a little further.

D – “Do you have a key fob on your key chain?”
C – “Like what’s that?”
D – “Is there something on your key chain that makes your car go ‘beep beep’ when you push it and your doors unlock?”
C – “Oh yeaahhhhh… Now I see what you mean!”
D – “Well, that is a power lock system. Our patrollers cannot open vehicles with power systems. The tools they use will damage cars with those systems. You will have to contact a roadside service or a locksmith.”
C – “They can’t help me why?”
D – “Because you have power locks and windows.”
C – “Well, what if my car is already off? Then there’s no power!”

::FACEPALM:: ::DOUBLE SIGH:: 

As I am sure you have seen in movies and on television shows, emergency response departments have strange senses of humor.  We also love practical jokes.  No one and nothing is safe.

I almost pulled one over on one of my Community Service Officers yesterday. I was able to stay serious all the way until the end when she called my bluff. She ultimately did not fall for it but she did have to stop and think for a second...lol

D = Dispatcher C = Community Service Officer

D - "Police department this is Shannon. May I help you?"
C - "Hi Shannon. We have a bird stuck in an office in the bookstore. Would you send an officer to come get it out?"
D - "Sure thing. Which office is it in?"
C - "It's an office all the way in the back. Have the officer check in at the information desk and I will meet them there."
D - "Okay. How big is the bird?"
C - "It's a really small bird."
D - "Do you know what kind of bird it is?"
C - "No. It's just really small and fast."
D - "What color is the bird?"
C - "It's brown."
D - "Are there any other colors on it?"
C - "Well, it's dark brown and light brown."
D - "Do you see any black on it?"
C - "Uh, no."
D - "Okay, you're sure there aren't any other colors on it?"
C - "I don't think so."
D - "So, you don't see any red feathers?"
C - "No. I didn't see any red."
D - "You're sure. If you see red feathers, you have to get people away from the bird."
C - "I didn't see any red feathers."
D - "You know if a bird has red feathers it is venomous, right?"

::long pause::

::nervous laughter:: 

C - "NUH-UH!" 

At that point the jig was up. We both had a good laugh and I felt accomplished for the day.

Police work is serious business people! (but we do have our fun moments)     ;-)

I work in a police department on a college campus.  This provides much entertainment.  

This is a recent winner for humor value.

D = Dispatcher C = Caller

D - "Police department this is Shannon may I help you?"
C - "Yes, I am looking for my bike. I left it on a shuttle yesterday."
D - "What kind of bike is it?"
C - "A blue and silver one."
D - "Does your bike have a brand name?"
C - "I can't remember what brand my bike is."
D - "What type of bike is it? Does it have a lot of gears?"
C - "It's a normal bike with a regular amount of gears."
D - "So, all you know about your bike is that it is blue and silver."
C - "Yes."
D - "Okay, let me check our lost and found book."

I put the student on hold and checked the book with not much hope.

D - "We have not had any bikes turned in since before yesterday."
C - "Well, could you check last night?"


I heaved a heavy sigh as I realized I was going to have to explain A LOT to this person.  I reminded myself that college admittance does not guarantee basic comprehension.

D - "We haven't had any bikes turned in since before yesterday."
C - "Well, does that mean there weren't any turned in last night?"

As my head hit the table in frustration I realized my chances of having a break through with THIS Einstein were slim.

D - "Yesterday would be BEFORE last night, sir."
C - "Oh well, could you check yesterday?"
D - "As I said we have not had any bikes turned in since BEFORE yesterday."
C - "So, my bike can't be there?"
D - "Not unless it was able to sneak in here when we weren't looking."
C - "Could I come check the impound?"
D - "Sure you can sir. And if you find that bike, make sure you reprimand it properly for sneaking onto police property without proper authorization or filing the correct paperwork."
C - "Huh?"
D - "Have a nice day sir. We are here 24 hours a day whenever you want to look for your bike."
D - "Yeah uh, thanks."

So hubby and I recently had "a moment" where our opinions did not agree.

The moment lasted 3.5 days.      ;-)

We have been taking ballroom dancing lessons for over a year.  Every two weeks there is a social dance at our studio where the students can come practice what they learned that week and just have fun in general.  I look forward to this dance very much.

The last dance hubby canceled at the last minute because he was "tired".  I was not happy.  I dealt with it and decided to go by myself.  I had a decent time but not as much fun as I usually have with him, of course.

This last Friday hubby again waited until the last minute to mention that he was tired.  As his wife, I felt it was my duty to "give him an out".  He leaped on it like a lion on the slowest gazelle in the herd.  I was less than thrilled.

Sometimes hubby does not seem to understand the "give and take" theory.  IMHO, it is part of a spouse's job to offer "an out" occasionally.  But it is the other spouse's job to not always take the out when it is up against something that is important to the other one.


Recipe for marital discord :

Cancel on social dance at the last minute with no warning  - ✔ (check)
Sit on the couch and play your video game after canceling  - ✔
Ensure that wife has to hang up brand new outfit bought for the occasion and not wear it  - ✔
Make sure the wife also had hair done for the dance  - ✔
Don't comment on hair or general appearance efforts  - ✔
Do all this on what was the Valentine's Day dance  - ✔
Respond to wife's irritation with silent treatment towards the wife and apathy for the situation  - ✔
Stop doing nice things (like saying 'bless you' to a sneeze) in response to wife's return silent treatment  - ✔

1) Mix all ingredients together and let marinate for 3.5 days.

2) Decide to confront the situation only once you feel you are safe.

3) Decide you are safe while driving the car with wife as passenger (don't question male logic).

4) Make sure this is directly after said wife wiped to floor with you at the weekly weigh in.  Therefore, wife already has grounds to feel like she is in a good place to put a serious whooping in your future since there is already one in your immediate past.

5) Turn to wife and ask her, "So do you want to continue like this or would you like to talk?"

To have this recipe turn out with better than average possibility of healthy results...

6) Run like the hounds of hades are after you.

Hubby opted for:

6) Stare at wife and wait for response.

I proceeded to unload my reasons for irritation to him.  I let him know that his responses to my irritation were not appreciated and would not be welcomed in the future (Okay, so I used different words and there was quite a bit more heat).

Hubby tried to defend himself and started to use sarcasm in his apologies ("okay okay, so I am SORRY I was tired ). The more he used sarcasm and seemed to refuse to see any fault on his part the quieter I got in my responses (hint: when a female gets quieter during a disagreement....RUN...she is approaching maximum capacity for crap).  I finally told him that I did not agree to discuss this so that we could fight about it.  He wanted to know what was wrong and what my reasons were and I told him.  End of discussion.

I think hubby realized that there was no "winning" this conversation.  Winning was not the point.  It was a matter of, "Here is how I feel.  You need to acknowledge these feelings and decide how you want these situations to turn out in the future".  (and apologizing profusely for the current infraction would not hurt your chances of survival)

In general hubby is a very sensitive guy.  I am proud of that part of him.  He just momentarily lost touch with that side of himself in the interest of his own wishes.  It happens to us all.  Hubby is allowed to mess up.  He's just not allowed to mess up and not care.  And he's most certainly not allowed to mess up and not eventually do something to clean up the mess.  (Here's your pooper scooper honey)

Hubby has since been released from the doghouse and is back inside.  What he may not realize is that I am keeping a bag of kibble in the garage just in case.  You never know when you might need follow up lessons.

Well, holy crap.  A friend recommended that I start a blog because she seems to think my writing is entertaining (I haven't had her drug tested yet as that might be the source of her humor...but okay).  And what do you know?  I had already started a blog a few years ago!  Well, that just makes things easier.

Not that anyone was paying attention to the danged thing...but if anyone out there in cyberspace missed me, I apologize for my absence.  With my new job and other things I have lots to write about.  I hope to spend more time here.  We'll see.     ;-)

Cruise - 1^st Formal Night and Satan's Hairbrush

I am not sure what we did all day. It is kind of a blur.

I know we ate. It's a cruise and a full day at sea. Duh. What else is a fat chick gonna do?

Breakfast was in the dining room (for portion control) due to the stellar advice of my friend, Greg. Lunch was somewhere I can't remember. But I kept myself tightly leashed for the first 2 or 3 days. 

Then I decided I did not care so much. ::grin:: But we did keep going for breakfast in the dining room 'cause the food was generally better and we did not stuff ourselves before going into ports.
Hubby and I got dressed in very casual clothes and went up to the spa deck.
Hold on to your shorts….

We went to the gym and worked out…A FULL BODY workout! Upper, Lower and Abs were worked…then cardio! The only reason we did not do a full hour on the stationary bikes was because Hubby saw a sign that requested guests to limit it to a half hour since people had to wait for the machines.
Hubby got a calf cramp after 20 minutes on the bike but I did my full half hour. We were in the gym at least 2 hours. It was probably closer to 3. Then we went to the whirlpool which was not hot so I did not stay in it very long.

I hurt for the rest of the week. But we did it! We said we would do it again on the next day at sea, but I still hurt a whole lot. So, we skipped it.
That was most of the day.

Now it was time to shower and primp for dinner. It was the 1^st formal night so I knew I would want extra time to get ready. I scheduled a full 3 hours to get ready.

Thank goodness I did.

Remember back in the 1^st story where I said the hair gel and the hairbrush would be important? We are to that point.

I showered. No biggie. I am a big girl and do not tend to flush myself down the drain.
I brushed my teeth. No biggie. I know body parts and don't poke myself in the eye with the tooth brush.
I used deodorant. No biggie. I had thought to buy the "invisible" kind that won't mark up my clothes.
I used perfume. No biggie. I am considerate and dab it on lightly & carefully rather than bathe in it.
I knew better than to do my makeup before hair. I was going to use a hair dryer for the 1^st time in a very long time and I knew it might make me hot and therefore, sweat a little. I do not wish to sweat my foundation off so do hair first.
Dayum! I am brilliant at this for being a bigtime tomboy and totally inexperienced with this crap!

Now, I had paid attention at the hairdresser's to see the motions she made during the styling process. I remembered what she did, which is pretty amazing for me 4 days later.
I sprayed on the hair stuff. I had double and triple checked that this was not a strong hold type gel. Just a soft "now I want you to keep this type of style in a gentle fashion".
I brushed it through with my everyday brush to ensure that it was all through my hair. I was good to go w/the hairdryer.

I picked up the "big huge could be used as a dildo for an elephant perfectly round" hairbrush that will from here be known as SH (Satan's Hairbrush). In the other hand I picked up the hair dryer.

My hairdresser had cut a good 6 inches off my hair so it should be even easier to work with now. Please note the word "should".

I sectioned my hair into three sections from top to bottom as my hairdresser had done. I started with the bottom section.

I took SH and brushed through the bottom section. I went through again stopping before leaving the end of the hair and wound SH back up the hair folding "under". I turned on the hairdryer and focused it on the wound hair for no more than 30 or 60 seconds moving it slightly back and forth so the hair would not burn.

Satisfied that the hair had enough on the pass, I turned the hair dryer off and set it down. I unwound SH from my hair.


Let me rephrase that in a more correct manner.


I TRIED to unwind SH from my hair. It would not budge.
I pulled a little harder remembering to gently go back and forth with the unwinding motion.

Hubby looked up when he heard the little squeak of pain and huff of "I am starting to get pissed off 'cause I am figuring out that I have likely done something stupid and there is no one to blame but myself…but I will use anyone nearby if possible".

I tried to take a deep breath and calm myself and made another attempt to remove SH. Hubby started to look a little alarmed when he saw my face in the mirror. He knows that look. He is not a completely stupid man. He is actually fairly smart when it comes to self-preservation. He saw me trying to do something and did not like what he was seeing. I tried again.

There could have been a fucking tidal wave of "Poseidon Adventure" proportions and people could have anchored their lifelines to SH and kept themselves alive for as long as my hair follicles remained intact.

At this point, Hubby knew it was a life or death decision. He actually decided on bravery. I would have been proud, if I was not so angry at the time.

"Honey, would you like some help?"

"Yes, please. I cannot get this fucking brush out of my hair. I did everything my hairdresser did and it is not working."

After looking at my hair all he said was, "Wow".

"Wow" was NOT what I wanted to hear. I spoke through clenched teeth.

"Honey, if you cannot get that thing out of my hair get me scissors. And then I will be spending a lot of money in the spa for them to salvage what they can of my hair."

Hubby then went and got the nail clippers. He sought out and clipped every bristle of SH that was imprisoning my hair. I was finally free. The whole process took 30-45 minutes. Then I was able to start all over on my hair.

Turns out my hairdresser had used an all SOFT bristle brush. I had purchased a mix of long soft bristle like she had….but it had short bristles in it that were hard unforgiving plastic.

And for proof that is was Satan's Hairbrush and was possessed...

I threw SH away EVERY day! It reappeared on our vanity every afternoon!

Okay, okay….so it was our room steward who was fishing it out of the trash thinking it was accidentally being thrown away…but still, I say the damned thing was possessed!

Cozumel

 Spring Break on a Cruise

Lessons learned on the cruise:

1. Young college students, while pretty/hot/studly/slutty/young/loose/etc, can also be DAMNED entertaining!
2. There is no discrimination among the young and drunk when it comes to making an ass of yourself. Foolishness is definitely an EOE.
3. Drinking to excess is considered a sport among the young and competition is fierce
4. Stupidity is to be admired in your roaring 20's and is a desirable breeding quality
5. Rick & I are old and devious
6. We look old and harmless to the young, stupid and drunk

Imagine my heartbreak, dismay and fear when I saw the ship filled to capacity with young hard body college kids. Great…Now I would look like the whale that I am. Rick would be repulsed seeing me next to the blonde svelte teeny boppers. To his credit, he may have looked at them (well, he IS a man) but he looked and appreciated me too.

I finally relaxed and had a pretty good time and drank w/everybody else. We went to Key West and then on to Cozumel.

Pay attention folks. Cozumel is where drinking increases along with stupidity. Go figure.

They tell you to set your watches to "ship's time". That happens to be the time of wherever you sailed out of. It was Miami this time…Eastern Standard Time.

Enter Señor Frog's. Lots of college kids having fun. Lots of mommy's & daddy's money being spent. Lots of booze was consumed. Lots of stupidity ensues.

Señor Frog's is nice enough to put clocks on the wall and have their employees wear watches so you don't lose track of time. What time do you think they set it to? They are in Mexico. Cruise ships come from everywhere. Sure they find out what ship is rolling in that day and change their clock to match that ship's time, dumbass.

Rick & I had a couple of drinks and a good time watching the college kids get plastered. Then we took a taxi back to the pier, had a Corona at a small bar (where he taught me the saying of "Liquor and then beer, never fear") and then went back to the ship.

The ship was scheduled to sail at 11pm EST.

At 10:30pm we got a drink and went to the top deck and stood at the railing. We looked out over the pier and the incredibly blue water (lit up from lights under the ship).

At 10:40pm we heard the gangway being pulled into the ship (they ask that you be back on the ship ½ hour before sail time). We saw 2 guys running down the pier. We looked at each other and said, "I guess they didn't set their watches to ship's time". Then we were evil and giggled.

They got to the very back of the ship and no gangway appeared. One of the college guys dropped to his knees and all you heard screamed across the pier was, "OH JESUS!"

You will still hear Rick & I occasionally quote that young man. Then we will giggle.

You see, we have no doubt that they had not thought to bring their birth certificates/extra money/passports with them to Señor Frog's. So, they were stuck in Mexico with the clothes on their backs and no documentation and no extra money.

Now we saw 2 girls running down the pier. They would stop every so often to catch their breath. Then one would hit the other and they would run again. We giggled like the demons that we are when we saw that they were bawling. They were stuck in Mexico too.

We were just evil old codgers on the ship who not only had gotten back in time, but had brought extra money & documentation when we DID go out. *snicker*  Others standing at the railing looked at us funny that we were laughing at the plight of these "poor children".

Hey, if you are old enough to get drunk in Mexico and let some MC @ Señor Frog's blow CO2 up your skirt for kicks, then you are old enough to set your watch to ship's time or pay the consequences for being a dumbshit.

'Nuff said.

By the way…a lot of the old people at the railing ended up laughing with us.

PS – The way too nice people running the ship eventually let the idiots back on the ship. They just scared the beejeesus out of them.

PSS – Karma is gonna get me someday